On Becoming A Mother

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If you'd have asked me a few years ago what my future plans were I would have said "becoming a mother". It's always been at the top of my list of things I wanted to do with my life, and last year quite by surprise my dreams came true.

There are so many things I'm looking forward to now I am a mummy. Thinking about hearing Zach's voice for the first time, being the Easter bunny / Father Christmas / tooth fairy, going back-to-school shopping and buying his first shoes fills me with excitement!

But there are things that I'm going to miss from my pre-mummy life, and that's something I'm struggling with a little. I feel quite young to have a baby, at 23 I'm definitely not a young mum, but I barely know anyone with children. Most of my friends are starting their careers or making plans to travel the world, and whilst I love being a mum and wouldn't trade it for anything, I feel like I haven't done everything I wanted.

Jono and I had been planning to go backpacking through Central and South America, and after graduating I'm still yet to get a job that is not part time in retail. And I just can't bare another Christmas in retail.

But the thing that feels the worst is the guilt.

I don't know how to accept that whilst I love Zach with all my heart, part of me is jealous of my non-parent friends. The freedom they have, the ability to stay out all night or book a long weekend abroad without much thought. It makes me feel selfish, as if Zach's not enough when he is.

I know that the things I can't do now I can do in the future, and they can include Zach which is pretty exciting... He can be the page boy at our wedding, come with us on our little adventures and be our back-packing buddy as we travel the world. I think I just need to remind myself of this sometimes!

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