Feeling Guilty For Not Feeling Guilty

Saturday, July 04, 2015

When I became a mum I walked straight into a world filled with guilt. It was something I expected as so many mums talk about the so called "mum guilt", and sadly I haven't been exempt from it. I've experienced it in many ways, from guilt because breastfeeding didn't work for us to wishing I had been playing with Zach instead of checking my Instagram feed. As a mum you want to do the best that you can for your little baby, and even when you do sometimes it can feel as though it's not enough, and I think that's completely natural.

One thing I wasn't prepared for was feeling guilty about not feeling guilty. It sounds so silly doesn't it? I thought that once I had met Zach I wouldn't be able to leave him even for a second. I have issues with separation anxiety and I figured that it would be the same, if not stronger with him. Surely I wouldn't want to be apart from my tiny precious baby? I've heard so many mums talk about how they didn't want to leave their babies and then worrying about them when they did and figured I would feel exactly the same.

But I've found that actually, I like the break. I enjoy spending some time apart from Zach, and I have done pretty much since he was born. Starting small of course - leaving him with Jono while I popped to the shops and so on. It's never been an issue for me, and I really enjoy having a little break. This month I went to London for the night, leaving Zach overnight for the first time ever. He was with Jono. He was fine. And I was fine. And although I missed him I didn't worry about him either. 

And that made me feel so guilty.

It makes me feel like a bad mother but sometimes I need a break, and I think it's good for Zach too. When I go back to work I don't want him to find it hard. I want him to think he's just spending the day with someone else who loves him other than his mummy. And the time we spend together after we've been apart is so much sweeter. I feel calmer and ready to be the best mum I can be to my little boy who I love more than anything. But I still feel guilty, and I don't know if that will ever go away.

6 comments

  1. I completely understand what you're saying, I became a Mummy 13 weeks ago and have been filled with guilt, worry about guilt all while trying to not feel guilty! Us Mummy's can't spend every single second communicating, playing and being with our children - we need a break and so do they :)

    Helen x

    http://treasureeverymoment01.blogspot.co.uk/

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    1. It can be so overwhelming can't it!! Glad I'm not alone and you're right we definitely do need a break xx

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  2. I totally love a break from the kids, just as I love the odd break from my husband - I enjoy the feeling of missing them and it helps me let go of all the little insignificant stresses that everyday life as a family brings. It gives me time to reflect and helps me assess how I can be a better mother and wife and it also helps me just chill out. Im with you - its overwhelming and I do not get people that say they can't leave their kids - they dont know what they're missing!!

    Never feel guilty for that x

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    1. Yes I hadn't thought that - I enjoy missing them too! I'm so glad you feel the same, and thank you so much for your kind words Mary! xx

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  3. I love this Chantal - I feel exactly the same. I'm heading back to work on Monday, and at the end of it all - after the tears and realisation that I will miss Parker - I'm looking forward to it. To have something that is for me, where I can use my brain in a different way! It is good to have a break, you need it sometimes. I think that it makes me a better mummy, I'm more patient and relish our time together.
    Stacie xx

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    1. I'm so glad you feel the same way! You are so right about using your brain! It's hard looking after Zach but more because it is never ending it doesn't make my brain tick! xx

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